Yup. I was reading a couple of mummies’ blogs when I felt this similar emotion that all parents face.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been thinking about ways to make more money from home rather than heading back to work. But somehow, no matter how hard I considered the cost, i realized, I just don’t have the discipline, space and time to multi task. Everyone has been telling me how sad it is to put my young 6month old baby in school. They asked if I have parents or in laws to help. I do, but I don’t want to.
Our parents and in laws have spent their lives raising us up. It’s really not fair to ask them again to raise him up. It can be quite draining to take care of a young child. The cries, the feeding, the screaming… Is daunting enough. KM and I decided that our parents should ‘enjoy’ our child. This also helps us to raise him ourselves rather than relying on them.
Working moms. Most of us (at least for me in 1.5months time) spend a good 8 hours at work, 8 hours of sleep and another 8 hours to include commuting, eating and spending time with our babies. I would say guilt already hits me when I know that this is going to happen. A colleague of mine shared that she co-sleep with her 2 kids and her husband in the same bedroom while her maid has a room to herself. Why? I asked. Her reply ‘I spend most of the time away from them, how can I bear to not be around them when I can?’. I totally agree. I don’t care if it becomes a ‘bad’ habit that he doesn’t want to get off our beds. Just seeing his eyelashes, staring at his face in the middle of the night, that’s good enough for me.
Work from home moms. As mentioned before, I’ve been contemplating if I should work from home. Best of both worlds? You get to be with your child and you make money to contribute to the household! But that’s if I have a talent of some sort. Writing? I’ve never done it professionally. What other considerations? Having some sort of office space, fast internet, discipline. It’s hard. I’ve tried. But when I successfully put Z down for a nap, he has occasional days where he’ll just prefer to cling on to me the entire time and cry out his lungs if I’m not around. ‘HOW TO WORK LIKE THAT?!’
Stay at home moms? They should have all the time in the world with their kids? No. Packed with household chores, cooking, budgeting etc. The amount of time spent solely playing with your little one is probably a short fraction of the day. SATM would feel guilty when their kids are crying in the background while they hurry to complete their chores.
As I continue this parenting journey, I feel like there is no chance of me avoiding this emotion. I feel guilty that I want to grab my mobile devices when I breastfeed instead of staring into his little almond eyes. I feel guilty that I want to build a career instead of just staying at home and looking after him. I feel guilty that I’m craving for a hair treatment and I can’t wait to leave him with a caregiver.
I don’t think parents will ever stop feeling guilty. I believe all parents would continue to look for the best opportunity to spend time with their child and provide the best for them. To all parents out there, I feel you. Let’s stop beating ourselves up and try our best to do what we feel is right.
Like what my own mom used to say ‘try your best, leave God to the rest’.