My shiny red shoes

You never know how much a person means to you until he’s gone.

It’s not a cliche. It’s the truth.

For someone who loved me so much, he deserved better from me. My godfather.

I am blessed. So blessed it’s actually ridiculous. I have 2 fathers. 1 who is my biological father. Another who wanted me so much that he wanted to be my biological father.

As far as I can remember, my god father has been in my life since day 1. He would buy me anything pretty he could find. He would take out and feed me with the best food he could afford.

He smiles when I smile. He is so careful with me, that it breaks him just to see me fall.

Every weekend on his day off, he would take me out to parkway parade. Because of these visits, I had the fondest memories there. He refuse to take me on the public transport and would only take the taxis so I wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable.

He’ll spoil me with chocolate ice cream from Anderson’s and deep fried dough with sesame (we call those butterflies).

I knew I had everything i wanted. I knew i was getting things my way. I knew that he spoilt me.

What I didn’t know was that he wasn’t rich. That he spends as much as he can afford to buy me new things. That every lunar new year, he would take me out to do shopping. My daddy would only stop shopping when I chose my dress and shoes.

I remembered these pair of red shiny shoes. With a strap and a tiny buckle on each side. I was reading dorothy and the wizard of oz and I wanted a pair just like dorothy’s. Magical, red and shiny.

So I had that image in my mind and I was searching for it with daddy. He didnt stop till I found it.

It was magical. I smiled home that day.

Secretly, I’ll click those shoes every time I’m back at my own home. Secretly, I wanted to back at my god parents’

But I couldn’t remember why, somehow, things have changed. I stopped wanting to go back to my godparents’. I stop hanging out near their home. I adapted. I got used to it.

I grew up.

I stopped answering his calls. I no longer missed him. I … I… I… Only thought about I.

Im so thankful yet my heart is filled with regret that I didn’t say ‘I love you enough’. Always wanted to hang up on him quick just because I wanted to hang out with my friends or do those teenage things.

I became caught up in my growing up years. I forgot the first man who fought for me.

The first man who treated me so gently, who wanted to give me the world.

My heart is heavy and my eyes well up knowing that I am not seeing him anymore, that he is not going to be at home when I visit and I will not be able to hear him call me ‘dear’.

But I do know that my daddy is up in heaven today. It comforts me. I will always celebrate what he did for me and how much he truly loved me.

I miss my daddy even more than those years I’ve been away. I pray that he left a happy man, knowing that he is well loved by many.

Bye daddy.

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